


let your fire consume me

by jbhmalum



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angry Michael Clifford, Codependency, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Existential Angst, First Kiss, M/M, Punching, Swearing, just once, this... is a tag that exists okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:15:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28739367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum
Summary: “I’m scared for you.”“For me?”Calum frowns. “Yes?”“Notofme?”“I mean,” Calum starts, intending to sayno, you could never scare me, but the lie catches in his throat. He can’t bring himself to say it, no matter how much it would help Michael.or: Michael is angry at the world, but thankfully Calum is here. He always is.
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Calum Hood
Comments: 8
Kudos: 30





	let your fire consume me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! For some reason I am on a roll this isn't even a prompt BUT I started it about a month ago and then didn't know how to go about it for a while and then I got inspired again last night so I finished it. This is a lot of projection so sharing this sort of scares me lmao but I really like it so I wanted to put it out (no, I've never punched anyone out of anger apart from when I kept losing in my boxing class).  
> Anywayyy i think that's all, if you'd like to give me feedback i'd greately appreciate it!
> 
> Enjoy! xx

Calum hesitates behind the door to Michael’s hotel room.

He’s been waiting there for about fifteen minutes, pacing around the corridor like a madman wondering if he should knock and go in or just turn around and go back to the main hall to be miserable with worry while Luke and Ashton talk about… Luke and Ashton things.

Usually Calum wouldn’t stress out over talking to Michael. Talking to Michael is one of the only things in his short life that has always made sense, that he’s always turned to when in doubt. He’s been _talking_ to Michael since they were too young to know the weight of words. He’s talked to Michael when they were happy and when they were sad and when they were tired. For more than a decade, which is more than half their lives.

Usually, when Michael would hide away because he’s upset Calum would just storm into the room and annoy Michael into telling him what’s wrong. Make Michael laugh with a stupid but objectively hilarious joke, because he can’t resist Calum’s charms.

Usually Calum would just be _himself_ and he wouldn’t doubt for one second that it would work to get Michael out of his funk.

But today is different. Michael’s outburst two hours ago had almost scared him, and now Calum doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how he’s going to find Michael on the other side of the door, not after he broke down crying out of nowhere during soundcheck and shouted awful words at all of them when they asked him what was wrong. Not when he dropped his guitar on the floor without batting an eye before storming out of the room immediately.

Calum’s never been able to let Michael deal with things on his own, though. He knows he can’t do _nothing_ , which is why he’s here now, waiting for the right moment to knock and open the door as he listens to Michael cry on the other side.

He’s been listening for those past fifteen minutes, the wretched sounds coming out of Michael’s throat making his own heart twist on itself as if he were the one hurting.

(He needs to stop pretending he’s not; Michael’s pain always ends up entangled with him. It’s like his empathy increases tenfold around him.)

He’s about to get his legs moving again, pace around the corridor for another five minutes, when he hears a guttural scream followed by the sound of something smashing against a wall.

Calum’s eyes grow wide, and his heart stops in his chest, frozen on the spot. Fuck, that’s new.

That statement is proven wrong when he decides he’s had enough and gets into the room.

It’s completely trashed. There are clothes littering the floor haphazardly, all the furniture is where it shouldn’t be, the TV looks like it's broken on the floor. _Shit_ , his mind supplies unhelpfully, _we’re gonna have to pay for this_. It’s the least of his worries right now, though. 

Because in the midst of all this chaos, sitting against the upside-down armchair, is a fluffy blue head buried between worryingly bruised arms, surrounded by a shattered soul. Michael looks small, absolutely dejected and desolate here. Like he belongs somewhere else entirely. As if with the most subtle of changes around him he’ll disappear out of Calum’s reach and into himself. Maybe even somewhere else that neither of them could bring him back from.

This can’t be the person who just destroyed this room, Calum refuses to believe it.

“Michael?”

Michael looks up hurriedly at the sound of his name. Calum almost doesn't recognize him, but he tries not to visibly recoil at the sight. His friend’s usually pale face is tinted red, tear stained, mouth turned in an unattractive grimace. The worst though, are his eyes. Looking at them makes Calum's breath hitch, because that's not the eyes he knows and loves. The sheer anger that appears to have overtaken them is the ugliest thing, the tears waiting to spill over a direct jab to Calum's already fragilized heart. 

Calum is left speechless. The emotions painted on Michael’s face are so foreign, so frightening, he has no clue how to go about them. He doesn’t know if something happened, if Michael is angry at him — though chances are he’s probably not, he reasons — or if the next thing he says will set Michael off entirely. Once again. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to survive the effect of the blast. He’d take it; he’d let it suffocate him and reduce him to pieces if it meant Michael could breathe, but he’s not sure he’d get out of it intact.

He’s not built for things like this. He’s one to take the damage as hard as Michael is right now. But he’d do it for Michael still, because it’s coded into his DNA, that he’ll do anything to help him out.

“Hey Mike,” Calum says softly after drawing a deep breath.

There’s no reply, just Michael’s unwavering stare and uneven breathing. It’s unsettling, to say the least, almost uncomfortable. It’s not enough to make Calum unwaver.

“What happened?”

No answer still. The silence is loaded with uncertainty and growling with the electricity looming over the room.

“I’m scared for you.”

That makes Michael break out of his stupor, and he blinks once before letting out an ugly snort. “For me?”

Calum frowns. “Yes?”

“Not _of_ me?”

“I mean,” Calum starts, intending to say _no, you could never scare me_ , but the lie catches in his throat. He can’t bring himself to say it, no matter how much it would help Michael.

“Yeah, that”s what I thought,” Michael sneers.

“Michael–”

“No, just.” Michael takes a deep, shaky breath. “Just shut up. I don’t want to hear it.”

“No, please, I want to–”

“Fucking shut up, will you!” He shouts before closing his eyes and rubbing them harshly. The red on his frail arms is more blatant at this angle. He must have gone hard on the furniture. “Leave me alone,” he says harshly, “I don’t want to see you.”

Reigning the tears that come springing to his eyes back in isn’t the easiest thing, but Calum does it, ensuring that Michael remains the focal point of all this. Just because this is the most challenging position he’s been in with his best friend, doesn’t mean Calum is going to stop putting Michael first. 

The hesitant steps Calum takes towards Michael aren’t met the way he’d hoped, but rather the way he hadn’t dared fear. Michael lets out an angry cry as Calum crouches down in front of him and extends a hand towards his face, his fiery eyes the only warning Calum receives before he feels a sharp pain against his jaw and he topples backwards, landing on his ass.

The shock of realizing Michael just hit him takes over the pain though. He’s once again left without words, confusion swimming around in his head. Bewildered, he looks straight at Michael, who just looks worse, if possible. The storm in his eyes scares Calum, but mostly it pains him, more than the punch did, because he doesn’t know how to tame it and make it _better_.

“Michael,” he starts in a whisper. “Please, what’s wrong–”

“What the fuck, Cal? I just fucking hit you, why can’t you be fucking angry at me?”

“I could never do that.”

Michael just lets out a frustrated groan, pulling on his hair before getting up and kicking at the TV with his bare foot.

“Ow, _fuck_ ,” he screams, a littanity of profanity following.

Calum shakes himself out of his stupor and joins him, trying to coax him into sitting on the bed so Calum can look at his foot. Michael just tries to push him back, though it seems all the strength has left his body.

“No, go _away_ ,” he growls. “Fuck, I hate everything!”

“Michael, please calm down–”

“Especially you!” Michael spits. “I hate you the most!”

Calum is frozen in place, hand in the air mid-reach above Michael’s arm. He feels tears spring to his eyes this time, pain like barbed wire wrapping itself around his beating heart and squeezing too tight. He wants to scream _it’s not fair, I’m only trying to help you_ , but instead he takes a deep breath, swallows the words before they can come out.

This isn’t Michael’s fault. Calum knows he doesn’t mean it, that he just needs to lash out and that Calum is the closest to him right now. The words don’t hurt any less, though.

One last breeze and Calum knows he won’t be able to stop the tears from falling, not when he’s getting more desperate and Michael more hysterical.

“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” Calum says slowly through the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry you’re so full of anger. I wish I could make it better.”

“Cal,” Michael starts, a frown appearing on his face. “I don’t–”

“Tell me how to make it better. Mike, I need to make it better,” Calum pleads, grabbing Michael’s shoulders. Michael lets him; he’s the one frozen now, his limbs starting to tremble under Calum’s hands.

“But why–” The words come out shaky before Michael’s eyes widen and he looks around, letting out a whimper as his head seems to clear and he notices everything. When he looks back at Calum, his eyes are glistening with unshed tears. It saddens Calum, but the expression is normal and familiar. “Oh god.”

Calum looks at him with a sorry smile, rubs at his shoulders slowly.

Michael draws a sharp breath, the air seeming to hurt him. “Cal, I… Oh my god, what–”

“It’s okay,” Calum says, pulling Michael towards him. Maybe it isn’t, but he needs the both of them to believe it.

“I’m sorry,” Michael sobs as he lets himself fall into Calum’s arms, strings cut finally as he grips Calum’s shirt. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“I know.” 

“I don’t hate you.”

“I know.”

“I could never hate you, please I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Michael keeps apologizing into Calum’s neck, loud sobs wracking his whole body and making him shake in Calum’s arms. Thankfully Calum is stronger than Michael, in more ways than one, and so he holds him close, upright and tall. Spares him the humiliation of crumbling fully and falling to his knees.

They stay like this a while. Time passes, but they remain here, Michael clutching at him a little too tightly; Calum wouldn’t dream of telling him to let go.

Michael seems to have melted a little, no strength left in him. That’s not entirely true; he’s so strong, Calum thinks as he brings him to sit on the bed. If he weren’t, he wouldn’t be here, he wouldn't have let Calum in.

“It’s red,” Michael croaxes out, his hand coming up to graze Calum’s jaw. “It’s starting to swell.” His voice is full of guilt. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s fine,” Calum shrugs off.

“I”m not asking you if it’s fine. Does it hurt?” Michael repeats.

With a sigh, Calum takes the hand on his cheek in his, opens it so he can rest his face against the palm of it.

“It does hurt,” he says eventually with a slight smile. “But it’s okay.”

With one last stroke to Calum’s cheek Michael takes his hand back, wiping the tears off his face. “It’s not, you can’t let me hit you. What the hell, Cal.”

“Mike,” Calum says. He takes Michael’s hands back in his, where they belong, lays a kiss on Michael’s damp cheekbone. Then one on the other. “I know you didn’t want to do it.”

“But–”

“And if you ever hit me again I’ll put those boxing lessons to good use and hit you back, how about that?”

“You’d never do it, you’re too nice,” Michael grumbles, but there’s something akin to a smile growing on his face, which is a lovely shade of pink where Calum’s lips just were; way prettier than the angry red from before.

“Yeah, well.” Calum shrugs. “Only when it comes to you.”

Michael makes a face at this, and Calum gets it. This isn't exactly healthy. But it’s them. This is how Calum is wired when it comes to Michael; he’ll take any amount of pain if it meant stopping Michael from spiralling. If it meant something like this never happens again.

Taking the bruised arms in his hands, Calum looks into Michael’s confused eyes in silence. They’re somewhat back to normal, pale green and beautiful and lively, even if a streak of melancholy is still present, apparently not going anywhere. Calum never wants to see those pretty eyes filled with such fury again. Never wants to experience the slight fear he just did. If he has to though, he’ll gladly be there to witness it and bring Michael back to himself. God forbid Calum lets him go through this on his own.

“So,” Calum says, clearing his throat when it feels like they’ve been looking at each other for too long. “Do you still not want to tell me what’s wrong?”

Michael shrugs, looking at where Calum’s hands are rubbing his arms. “I don’t really know. Aren’t you ever just angry at the world for what feels like no reason?”

“Is that what’s happening? Are you angry at the world?”

“Guess so.”

“There must be a reason, then,” Calum says, trying to catch Michael’s eyes. “Nobody gets angry at everything just like that. Especially not angry like… like _that_.”

Calum takes in the room once more, the chaos of it a clear reflection of what Michael must have felt inside.

“Look...” Michael sniffs, taking back his arms, wrapping them around himself. “I appreciate you doing this but just... don’t waste your breath? You can’t help me.”

“Well I’ll be damned if I don't try.”

“Cal–”

“No.” Calum won’t hear it. “You can’t ask me to just… give up on you. It’s not in me to do that.”

Contrary to what Calum thinks, the words just make Michael’s lips tremble and his eyes water.

“Why do you want to help me so bad?” He whispers desperately. “Why are you still here after you just saw me like this? After I hurt you?”

“Oh, Mike.”

There are so many answers he could give Michael. _I love you_ , for starters, but while true, it sounds too weak. _I can’t stand to watch you in any kind of pain_ is better but not enough. _You’re a part of me and I couldn’t leave you if you were the worst person on Earth_ seems to be more accurate, but Calum doesn’t think it would do Michael any good to hear the words.

He doesn’t stop to think about it, and settles for leaning forward and pressing his lips against Michael’s. They’re dry and taste like salt. It’s not how Calum would have liked to discover them; he would have rather had them soft and sweet after Michael’s fourth cup of cinnamon tea of the day; chapped from the cold after walking in the city too long in the dead of winter; greasy after having eaten too many slices of pizza.

But this is what’s real. A broken down Michael who’s angry at the world, kissing him back messily as he lets out a whimper and new salty tears meet their locked lips.

It’s not how Calum imagined this to happen. But Michael isn’t always going to be the bright soul Calum likes. Sometimes people are ugly but it doesn’t make them any less beautiful and Calum sure doesn’t love Michael any less for it.

If he’s going to have Michael, then he’s going to have every facet of him. And he’s going to learn to cherish them all.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!  
> comments/kudos are always appreciated :)  
> also i'm on [tumblr](https://michaelownsmyheart.tumblr.com/) if you want to come say hi!


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